What to get the dad who says he doesn't want anything.

Every year somebody asks him what he wants. Every year he says the same thing. "Nothing. I've got everything I need."

He's not being difficult. Well, he is, but he's also telling the truth. He doesn't want more stuff. He wants the stuff he has to work, and he wants you to stop asking.

So here's my rule. I've been on the receiving end of this question for a long time, so I'm qualified. Give him something he'll use up or use every day, and write him a note. That's it. That's the whole guide. But you came for a list, so here's a list.

The three rules

1. If it needs an app, it's a chore.

He doesn't want to pair anything. He doesn't want a firmware update. He doesn't want to "create an account." The best gift works the moment the paper comes off.

2. Used up beats put up.

Things that run out are the best gifts for a man who has everything. Coffee runs out. Golf balls go in the pond. A jar of balm gets scooped down to the bottom. Nobody has to find a shelf for it.

3. The note is the gift.

He'll grunt at the present. He'll keep the card in his top drawer for twenty years. Write two sentences about something he taught you. Don't make it long. He'll get suspicious.

Twelve gifts, ranked by the Old Man

1. Wool socks. Good ones.

Not the six-pack from the gas station. Merino wool, cushioned, the kind that last a few winters. He'll pretend they're nothing special and then wear them every day until March.

2. A jar of Old Man Rub

I'm biased. It's my name on the jar. But it fits the rules. It's a cooling balm with CBD + CBG in an amber glass jar with a black lid. It sits on the workbench or the nightstand, he uses it, and it runs out. Two ounces fits in a stocking. The label has a man on it who looks like he's about to tell you the thermostat is fine where it is. He'll recognize himself. If he asks what's in it, send him the CBD + CBG explainer and the instructions. He won't read them. You will.

It isn't out yet. Batch 001 is 500 jars, and the list gets first crack. Save a jar here and you get 15% off launch day.

3. A tee time, already booked

Not a gift card. A real time, on a real day, with you in the cart. Gift cards turn into homework. A booked round is just a morning he gets to show you how it's done.

4. Coffee he wouldn't buy himself

He buys the big can. Get him a bag from a local roaster, whole bean, plus a hand grinder if he doesn't have one. He'll complain that it's fussy. He'll also use it every morning.

5. A flat cap

Wool tweed, his real size. If he already wears one, his is twenty years old and the brim is shaped like his thumb. He won't retire it. That's fine. Now he has a Sunday cap.

6. A thermos that actually holds heat

For the ice house, the deer stand, the drive to the lake, or the bleachers at the hockey rink. Steel, a cup lid, no straw. Plain is better.

7. A pocket knife

A simple folder, nothing tactical. Engrave the initials on the side. If he already carries one, get him a sharpener and let him tell you why his is better.

8. A day of your time

Clean out the garage together. Hang the storm windows. Drive him to the hardware store and don't rush him in the bolt aisle. Write it on a card, put a date on it, and show up.

9. A printed photo, framed

Not on a screen. A real print in a real frame. Pick one of him with the grandkids, or one of him at your age. He'll set it on the dresser and look at it more than he lets on.

10. Hard candy from the good old days

Butterscotch, root beer barrels, horehound if you can find it. A tin of it on the dashboard is a love language for some men.

11. A deck of cards and a standing game night

Cribbage board, a fresh deck, and a promise: first Sunday of the month. You'll lose. That's part of the gift.

12. Reading glasses for every room

He's lost his three times today. Buy a five-pack and put a pair in every room he sits in. This is the most useful gift on the list, and he'll act insulted.

What to skip

• Smart anything. He'll unplug it the first time it talks to him.
• "World's Best Dad" merchandise. He knows. You don't need to put it on a mug.
• Gadgets with a charging cable. He has a drawer full of cables. He doesn't know what any of them go to.
• Clothes in a size you guessed. He won't return them. He'll just never wear them.
• Anything "for men" that smells like a body spray ad. He wants to smell like coffee and the garage, and he's right.

For grandpa, same rules, more patience

Grandpas follow the same rules, only harder. They've had longer to collect everything. The winning move is time plus something small. Bring the grandkids over with a jar of balm, a tin of butterscotch and a card they drew themselves. Stay for supper. Let him tell the story about the 1975 snowstorm again. You'll hear it either way.

If you're shopping for both your dad and your grandpa this year, make it easy. Two jars, two cards, done. The list gets first pick of Batch 001.

The Old Man's last word

He said he doesn't want anything. He'll say it again on Christmas morning while he unwraps your gift. Then he'll use it. That's how you know you got it right.

Questions people ask